Monday, October 5, 2009

6 weeks later

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I'm feeling much better! I went back to the doctor last week. The people closest to me (kids, husband, cousin/sister) said I was much But the overwhelming fatigue/tiredness really had me down. I felt completely joy, on the other hand, I wasn't getting so angry, very little yelling/screaming (i was just too tired to get that upset over anything). After talking to my doctor, i decided to try taking the medicine in the morning instead of at has made a world of difference!

I'm still a little tired, but I think that probably has to do with 4 kids, a husband, 3 dogs, 7 acres, part time nursing job, and running a home... Also, I've lost 5 pounds since being on the medicine and 10 pounds since July (i had gained 12 from March-July, when my diabetic medicines where switched up...switched back in July). It was not doing my self esteem any good, when my clothes weren't fitting... It is nice to have so many choices again in my closet! Still would like to lose another 30-40 and have a tummy tuck... well, that will have to wait until the twins are older I'll try for that goal when they are five!

Hopefully my posts will be informative and less venting! I'm glad to be finally finding my footing again. Feeling like a much better mother and wife!

Field trip with the twins tomorrow to a pumpkin patch. Will hopefully have some great pics to post!

Friday, September 4, 2009

1 week later...

Well, I've been on the medicine for 1 week now. I can't really tell if it's working, but pms won't start for another 7-14 days... I am sleeping great! My biggest complaint is general fatigue!!! I don't think this is due to the ambien but the other med. I'm hoping that this side effect will go away with time.

Maybe it is working, I do seem to be screaming less, but this may just be due sleeping better and the overwhelming tiredness. Also, Quinn is being bullied at school and i have resisted the urge to go and hurt this boy, so it must be

Thursday, August 27, 2009


For any of you who have read my posts this year, this will probably not come as a surprise, but I have been having "issues". I'm irritable and agitated most of the time, especially my pms time... Several friends have suggested I go see my doctor and get on some medicine or happy pills... I have resisted this prompting for over a year. I know so many people on "something" I had to wonder, is this all really necessary. Also, I all ready take several rx meds for my diabetes and hypothyroidism so I didn't really want to take more meds... I haven't had a good night sleep since the 3rd trimester of my twin pregnancy (I was on ambien). I do not have any of the fruits of the Holy Spirit, so sharing my faith would be a little, umm what shall I say, you want what I have... but who would want to have my anger, frustration, irritation, agitation, impatience...where is my peace, patience, gentleness, love... no one is attracted to my fruit.

Well after a complete meltdown last week (over not being able to find shoes for Kade...among other things) I decided to ask my husband if he thought I needed medicine...his answer was a very definitive, resounding...YES. When asked why he hadn't said something, he replied "I didn't want to make you angry" Well I went to the MD today. I started my new med today and he also gave me something to help me sleep. Praise God, I can't wait to go to be tonight! Beau will be glad to not be woken up to turn over (he snores loudly) or to rub my back (because I have been awake for 2 hours and can't sleep).

I just thought in all honesty and transparency that I should share that parenting a 14 y/o "man", and 10 y/o boy and 2 toddlers is exhausting, constant, demanding, and not usually very rewarding. I have not handled it well and finally realized that if something didn't change soon, I may permanently damage the spirits and emotions of my precious and much loved children.

I will keep my blog updated with my progress with my "psychotic behavior" as I call it and will hopefully begin to start producing the fruits that God wants to see in my life.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Invisible mom

A friend emailed this to me. I've read it before, but I really needed to read it again! I know I'll need to remember that God sees it all. I decided to post it for any of you you might feel invisible and for myself!

The Invisible Mom
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude -but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!? One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it t o me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.' In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything. A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.' I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become. At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree. When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there..' As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women. Great Job, MOM! Share this with all the Invisible Moms you know... I just did. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you. This is beautiful and makes a ton of sense. To all the wonderful mothers out there.

Monday, July 20, 2009


It doesn't seem like it's been 3 months since my last post...but it has.

I'm having a good day. I'm on my 5th day of 19 days off. I don't think I realized how much added stress working gives me. I love my job and my time at work is great. But that's that many less hours that I have to do what must be done at home!

But I'm not about to quit...can't afford it! I'm blessed to be a nurse and make great money with good benefits working part time!

We had a staycation day today. I asked Cole and Quinn if they wanted to go camping (in our very nice camper...not roughing it) or stay home and go to museums, parks, etc...I was shocked when they said they would rather stay home. I think they have heard me complain tooooo much about how much work camping is. We are compromising. we are doing some staycation days and then we are going camping for (12 nights...yikes...we may come home in 8). Last year I took with kids for 10 days...Beau only came up on weekends. That was exhausting...the entire time was spent keeping the twins alive, out of the lake out of the road was my entire trip! Beau is taking the week off this time, so I'm hopeful this year will be more of a vacation! We do have life jackets that fit the twins now (they were too little last year).

Cole is still such a huge help, though, at times he doesn't want to help, but he still does!

We are having a lot of trouble with Quinn. He tends to act lazy and he can be very sneaky to get out of work...this really bothers me. I'm praying for him and praying for wisdom, in how to deal with this and redirect him. Our life is busy now, it is life with twins, and while he may have preferred to continue to be the baby, he has to now step up and be a big brother.

Well that is all for now, I must start dinner. Cole inventoried the freezers for me and we are not buying many groceries...trying to cook what we have. tonight will be good, steak, that we forgot we had.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Life is soooo busy with 4 children (especially 2 toddlers) and expensive too. I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore, so it's become more of a journal. Which I guess is a good thing (not that no one reads it, but that I don't think anyone does so I don't unconsciously edit my thoughts). God knows what I'm thinking anyway and in the BIG picture does what anyone else thinks really matter? I don't think so.

I'm quite certain that God would like to pick me up and shake me like a rag doll. I'm not sure that I should go into why...just in case someone else reads this. But, I'm me, and I have been accused (or complemented) on being transparent. With me you see what you get, or in this format, what you read is what you get...I'm a flawed, sinful, woman, a mother, a wife, a friend, a nurse, a singer, a cousin/sister, a step sister, a home maker, a want to be organized stay home mom, a "great" cook, a lover, a fighter and I'm lazy... I wish I was further along the path that God has for me...but I am here. And I don't seem to be able to find the energy and time to get where I need to be. Just one example of flawedness is that last night I threw my purse at beau and hit him in the groin...oops...I really was aiming for his that an excuse...should I be swinging at my husband of 16 years...i don't think God want to shake some sense into me...the last time I think I got pregnant with twins and the time before my mother was dx with cancer and died...SO GOD, YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION...I WILL TRY TO WALK MORE CLOSELY WITH YOU...PLEASE HELP ME

I want to be to be thinner, I want to be less judgemental, I want to be WAY LESS irritable, I want to be go with the flow casual, don't sweat the small stuff. I want to count for the Kingdom. I want to raise God fearing, Jesus freaks. I want my children to love God, their parents, their siblings and the world. I want at least one of them to be a missionary. I want to adopt an older child or be a foster parent (but Beau is not their), but I would probably fail the home visit. I do spank my children and I scream and you horrible language in anger...Maybe God knows i would cause my adopted childs PTS syndrome to exacerbate.

If anyone does read this...please pray for me. I'm still trying to figure out what God was thinking when he decided 2 y/o twins was just what I needed at 41...and at the same time raise those God fearing Jesus freaks (one of whom happens to be a teenager...oxymoron..maybe?) love my procrastinating irritating husband (remember I said I was irritable), be the best friend to the women God has put in my life (many of whom give much less than i do)...(not you give more...thanks) and you Denise (sister of my heart) you give way more...of course I'm just assuming that someone might be reading!

Do you know that cooking for 6 is expensive! I'm doing good if I can make a tasty meal for under $10...$12 is average, ..$5 is a miracle or beans...and anything under $30 is way less than eating out. do you realize that $10/ night is $300/mo and that is only dinner...cereal is expensive, fruit is outrageous and I'm trying to go green and organic....isn't that funny.

well I must go change another poopy of the many story of my

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Im sad today

I need to say upfront that I am blessed beyond measure! God is good all the time! I don't deserve His love or His forgiveness, but I have them why am I sad

probably because I'm focused on me instead of him! I'm having a pity party today and hope it doesn't last long. Because I just feel like whining for a while, I'm not calling my friends or family to whine to them, I'm going to whine on my if you don't like whining (which I understand, because I don't like it either) don't read this entry.

I sick and tired of my family being ill. While I know I should be thankful that their illness are easily treated (which I am) i want them healthy and feeling good.

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
sick and tired of the twins speech delay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am thankful for the Early Intervention program that provides them free speech therapy, I still don't want to need it, I want Elizabeth to come in and say "momma, I'm hungry" like most 2y/o she comes in "whining and sniffling" crying and I have to interpret this...and I see that its 11:30 and "say are you hungry" and she smiles shakes her head yes and points at the pantry door. So I tell her "say eat" to which she responds "eeeaa" and pick her up and walk to pantry door and say "say open" and she says "oenn" and tell her "good girl" and open the door. this was today after spending all morning at the After hours clinic with Kade (and I should be thankful to have convenient, good, affordable health care)

This gets old and Kade is the same. I'm so ready for them to talk. We are making progress, but not fast enough for me. I haven't brought them to church in months for fear they will "catch" some illness (which is a very legitimate concern, especially during flu season). I'm also afraid that they will not be able to communicate their wants/needs in the nursery and will get frustrated and act out (like bite, push, hit).

I'm tired of being hateful to Cole and Quinn. I can't seem to stop. Cole is moody and selfish these days and overly sensitive to anything I say, even with it's said nicely without malicious intent...he reacts like I said *#@$^%$ you, so we end up angry and I then say #%@$^& which makes me angry at myself and him and so I say more @#%^$%^& and Beau usually starts it so I say @#$^#$^ to him and the Quinn is lazy and irritating to Cole and its probably his fault too, so I say @#$%^#@% to him too...wouldn't want to leave him out.

so I'm sad today...I want to have a clean home (but don't have energy to clean it...though I clean up after the twins constantly, I'm outnumbered and they have way more energy, so I never catch up) I want to finish the Easter cards so I can mail the pictures of twins to family before they are outdated, I want to catch up on my scrapbooking, but there simply is no time. I wanted to participate in Servolution with my awesome church (I should spend more time praising God for HPC) I'm home with sick children, again.

I resent Beau for going to his shoot today. I know he deserves to have his hobby, but that costs me more time. I'm working 4 days a week now, just 1 less than him, i'm do 80% of the shopping, 75% of the cooking, 75% of the cleaning, 75% of the laundry, 75% of the child caring. I should be thankful to have a husband that has a good job, works, and carries 25% of the load at home, who didn't want more children, but loves our babies, who loves God and HPC, but today I'm mad at him. He procrastinates on pretty much everything and it drives me crazy and makes me angry so I say @#$^#$ which is so disrespectful to him, and not living for Jesus....would I say that if Pastor Dino was in my living room? no, but I say right in front of God, like He's not even there.

Parenting is hard! parenting 4 children is really hard! Keeping 2 toddlers alive is very hard! Keeping a teenager in line, happy, healthy, is the hardest. I need to spend more time parenting Cole, the twins will be ok. I've got alot more time with them than I have left with Cole. I need to remember that.

so now I'm going to get off the pity pot, put on some praise music, and care for my home! I will be in a good mood when Beau, Cole, and Quinn get home, and when the twins get up from their nap (Thank you God for napping twins!)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

2y/o portrait session

It was a wild session! Thank goodness my stepmother met me to help corral the twins...they were running around like monkeys! I was very pleased with Portrait Innovations and will definately use them again. We took these on their birthday 3-20-09, then visited my office, then met Daddy and NeeNee (Denise) for lunch. I took them to the park today and we will celebrate their birthday tomorrow with a party with friends and family. We have a big blowup jump/slide reserved, Beau is cooking a big jambalaya, Nonna is making a pineapple cake, I'm picking up a Mickey Mouse cupcake cake and blue bell ice cream...I hope they enjoy their party, I know we will! I feel so blessed to have survived the first 2 years and have 2 wonderful, fun, loving kids!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

the twins have it the terrible two's.

Well it has gotten hard again. It was so hard in the beginning and then around 6m it got easier. We've hit a few rough spots along the way, but I felt I could handle it. I mean, look at John and Kate plus 8...if they can do it looking fresh and fit (most days) and still apear very much in love, then surely we can do "twins" with 2 older helper, right...

We've been so blessed with healthy kids! But these "little" virus's, colds, ear infections, strep throat...while I'm thankful that they are not life threatening and are over in less than a gets very exhausting to have someone in the home sick...for what seems like forever. Let me clarify, someone has been sick every week since Christmas (we may have missed one, but I don't think so). Even cole and quinn, who haven't been to the MD except for checkups in years have both been to the MD twice since Christmas. We have had 2 stomach viruses go through the family (and while I'm thankful that I didn't have 2 toddlers vomitting and shooting out diarrhea at the same is much harder on your sleep to deal with them back to back. We have had strep throat, pink eye, ear infections, fever, fatigue, vomitting, diarrhea, ear infection again, vomitting again. and the times we were well, our sitters twins had the flu and RSV, which meant calling in sick to work again or beggin sitters. We did have much needed help from my step mom and the young sitter that comes to our house (K and E cry when they see her...) Before Christmas I had maybe called in sick to work 2x in the last 5 years...I've called in sick 3 times since Jan.1...and Beau has missed a few days as well (and he doesn't have paid time off). The copays add up and I found out after I took K twice and E once that the new urgent care clinic around the corner isnt one of my preferred that mistake will cost us over $500. All of my copay went up Jan 1, my regular rx now cost an extra $20/m and taking both twins to MD the same day will run my $50 now (that seems like so much more than $40). Though I am thankful to have health insurance.

On a positive note, the twins are doing very well with speech therapy. We got a new therapist in Jan and in 6 weeks she has been seeing them they are saying 20-30 words (up from about 4 with the old therapist). We are now moving on to trying to get them to start putting 2 words together.

Kade has started biting Elizabeth. We are talking bad bites that break the skin through clothes, he generally goes for her back, shoulder, or finger...she just cries and gets so upset. Then when you fuss at K, she comforts him and signs she is sorry...she is such a sweet baby girl.

Kade has started throwing very impressive temper tantrums. I thought cole was the tantrum King as a preschooler, but Kade not only throws himself to the floor screaming, but he slaps himself in the face...

It is so nice to bring them to a sitter where they love to go, they are very happy and love the routine. But because of illness with ours and hers, I'm not sure we have actually gotten to go an entire week... I'm working more to pay for the daycare, but haven't found the extra money for a maid...

I'm trying to implement the flylady's model for getting your home out of chaos and maybe in another few months I won't need a maid. the twins make a constant mess!!! so I sweep the kitchen/dining area several times a day, doing that and keeping up with the laundry pretty much takes all my free time...but I'm hopeful that her method can work for me too, even though it means I have to get up a little earlier and can't go to bed until I have a shiny sink.

I haven't found the time to download the full memory cards from Disney, but I'm hopeful that I'll be able to post pictures soon.

It is hard to believe that my babies will be 2 this Friday...time has flown and the kids have grown. Quinn is now 10, and cole will soon be 14...parenting a teenager is even harder than 2 toddlers...i so don't envy John and Kate Goselin...i hope they are still on the air in 10 years...

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Today is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day

I had no idea that slavery was so prevalent today. Here are the statistics. As a mother of 4, I want to know the facts...please pray for the millions of victims enslaved today!

Roughly 2 to 4 million people are trafficked in and across borders each year.
Human trafficking is now a leading source of profits for organized crime, together with drugs and weapons, generating an estimated 9.5 billion dollars per year. [i]
The overwhelming majority of those trafficked are women and children.
The average victim is forced to have sex up to 20 times a day.
The CIA calculates that profits from one trafficked woman alone averages around 250,000 American dollars per year. [ii]
Traffickers acquire their victims in a number of ways:
Sometimes women are kidnapped outright in one country and taken forcibly to another.
Traffickers also entice victims to migrate voluntarily with false promises of well-paying jobs in foreign countries as au pairs, models, dancers, domestic workers, etc.
When they arrive at their destination many are placed in physically confining conditions, their travel documents and passports are taken away and both they and their families are threatened if they do not cooperate. Women and girls are forced to work as prostitutes in heavily guarded brothels and strip clubs.
An estimated 1.8 million children are exploited by the commercial human trafficking industry[iii].
Children are abducted from rural areas and trafficked into a range of exploitive practices, which include bonded labor, sexual exploitation, marriage, illicit adoptions, and begging.
Young girls, some as young as 12 years old, are forced to work in brothels, massage parlors, prostitution rings, strip clubs, or used to produce pornographic materials.
Children are recruited and trafficked to earn money by begging or selling goods.
Child beggars are sometimes maimed by their captors to generate sympathy and generosity from potential buyers.[1]
Victims are forced to live in confining and unsanitary conditions and are subject to many abuses.
Malnutrition, sleep deprivation, emotional abuse, and beatings.
Lack of healthcare and forced abortions.
Many contract STD's and hepatitis A & B.
Children are deprived of basic education and any sort of parental upbringing, and are completely dependent on their captors for food and shelter.
Europe and the Sex Trafficking Industry:
The UN reports that Western Europe contains most of the highest-ranking destination countries in the Human Trafficking citation index. These include:
Greece, Belgium, Germany, Italy and the Netherlands.[iv]
Austria, Bosnia, Czech Republic, Denmark, France, Kosovo, Poland, Switzerland, and the UK.
The former Soviet Union and Central and Eastern Europe have replaced Asia as the main source of women trafficked to Western Europe. Victims come from:
Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Moldova.
Albania, Bulgaria, Romania, and Lithuania.
Victims typically originate from a country that was once part of the Soviet Bloc. From their home country, they are transported through a series of different countries before they are trafficked into either Italy or Greece.
As many as 20,000 women, including 1,000 girls between the ages of 13 and 15, have been sold so far into Greece's alarmingly booming sex trade industry for thousands of euros each. They are mainly from the Balkans and countries of the former Soviet Union. (
One million men - about 30% of the nation's sexually active population - call on these women regularly (about twice a month)! (
A Real Life Testimony From a Victim:
O.N. has been in Italy for 4 years. She says that she was kidnapped from her home city in Albania where her parents rented a house. At the time of the kidnapping she was returning from visiting her brother who lives there with her parents. One day, at approximately 6 pm. she was forced into a car at gunpoint. Once in the car she was tied up and gagged. She was then taken to the sea, forced into a rubber motorboat operated by two young men, who possessed a passport for her. She can remember that the photograph used for the passport was one taken of her during a birthday party for one of her friends.
After her arrival in Italy, she was taken from Milan to Rome and then from Rome to Mondragone (a seaside village) where she was placed in a small apartment with two other girls. During the first week she was not forced to work, but she was informed of the type of work she would be doing. For four years she worked the streets, day and night. She had to bring in 1 million Lira each day. She was regularly drugged and she developed serious health problems. Her protectors took all the money that she earned, although they claimed they had opened a Milan bank account for her. Eventually, she was arrested by the police for prostitution and returned to Albania by ferry. She wants to see her family, but is fearful of her father and that her trafficker might find her again.[v]

for more info you can go to

Friday, January 9, 2009