Sunday, April 26, 2009

Life is soooo busy with 4 children (especially 2 toddlers) and expensive too. I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore, so it's become more of a journal. Which I guess is a good thing (not that no one reads it, but that I don't think anyone does so I don't unconsciously edit my thoughts). God knows what I'm thinking anyway and in the BIG picture does what anyone else thinks really matter? I don't think so.

I'm quite certain that God would like to pick me up and shake me like a rag doll. I'm not sure that I should go into why...just in case someone else reads this. But, I'm me, and I have been accused (or complemented) on being transparent. With me you see what you get, or in this format, what you read is what you get...I'm a flawed, sinful, woman, a mother, a wife, a friend, a nurse, a singer, a cousin/sister, a step sister, a home maker, a want to be organized stay home mom, a "great" cook, a lover, a fighter and I'm lazy... I wish I was further along the path that God has for me...but I am here. And I don't seem to be able to find the energy and time to get where I need to be. Just one example of flawedness is that last night I threw my purse at beau and hit him in the groin...oops...I really was aiming for his that an excuse...should I be swinging at my husband of 16 years...i don't think God want to shake some sense into me...the last time I think I got pregnant with twins and the time before my mother was dx with cancer and died...SO GOD, YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION...I WILL TRY TO WALK MORE CLOSELY WITH YOU...PLEASE HELP ME

I want to be to be thinner, I want to be less judgemental, I want to be WAY LESS irritable, I want to be go with the flow casual, don't sweat the small stuff. I want to count for the Kingdom. I want to raise God fearing, Jesus freaks. I want my children to love God, their parents, their siblings and the world. I want at least one of them to be a missionary. I want to adopt an older child or be a foster parent (but Beau is not their), but I would probably fail the home visit. I do spank my children and I scream and you horrible language in anger...Maybe God knows i would cause my adopted childs PTS syndrome to exacerbate.

If anyone does read this...please pray for me. I'm still trying to figure out what God was thinking when he decided 2 y/o twins was just what I needed at 41...and at the same time raise those God fearing Jesus freaks (one of whom happens to be a teenager...oxymoron..maybe?) love my procrastinating irritating husband (remember I said I was irritable), be the best friend to the women God has put in my life (many of whom give much less than i do)...(not you give more...thanks) and you Denise (sister of my heart) you give way more...of course I'm just assuming that someone might be reading!

Do you know that cooking for 6 is expensive! I'm doing good if I can make a tasty meal for under $10...$12 is average, ..$5 is a miracle or beans...and anything under $30 is way less than eating out. do you realize that $10/ night is $300/mo and that is only dinner...cereal is expensive, fruit is outrageous and I'm trying to go green and organic....isn't that funny.

well I must go change another poopy of the many story of my

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Im sad today

I need to say upfront that I am blessed beyond measure! God is good all the time! I don't deserve His love or His forgiveness, but I have them why am I sad

probably because I'm focused on me instead of him! I'm having a pity party today and hope it doesn't last long. Because I just feel like whining for a while, I'm not calling my friends or family to whine to them, I'm going to whine on my if you don't like whining (which I understand, because I don't like it either) don't read this entry.

I sick and tired of my family being ill. While I know I should be thankful that their illness are easily treated (which I am) i want them healthy and feeling good.

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
sick and tired of the twins speech delay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am thankful for the Early Intervention program that provides them free speech therapy, I still don't want to need it, I want Elizabeth to come in and say "momma, I'm hungry" like most 2y/o she comes in "whining and sniffling" crying and I have to interpret this...and I see that its 11:30 and "say are you hungry" and she smiles shakes her head yes and points at the pantry door. So I tell her "say eat" to which she responds "eeeaa" and pick her up and walk to pantry door and say "say open" and she says "oenn" and tell her "good girl" and open the door. this was today after spending all morning at the After hours clinic with Kade (and I should be thankful to have convenient, good, affordable health care)

This gets old and Kade is the same. I'm so ready for them to talk. We are making progress, but not fast enough for me. I haven't brought them to church in months for fear they will "catch" some illness (which is a very legitimate concern, especially during flu season). I'm also afraid that they will not be able to communicate their wants/needs in the nursery and will get frustrated and act out (like bite, push, hit).

I'm tired of being hateful to Cole and Quinn. I can't seem to stop. Cole is moody and selfish these days and overly sensitive to anything I say, even with it's said nicely without malicious intent...he reacts like I said *#@$^%$ you, so we end up angry and I then say #%@$^& which makes me angry at myself and him and so I say more @#%^$%^& and Beau usually starts it so I say @#$^#$^ to him and the Quinn is lazy and irritating to Cole and its probably his fault too, so I say @#$%^#@% to him too...wouldn't want to leave him out.

so I'm sad today...I want to have a clean home (but don't have energy to clean it...though I clean up after the twins constantly, I'm outnumbered and they have way more energy, so I never catch up) I want to finish the Easter cards so I can mail the pictures of twins to family before they are outdated, I want to catch up on my scrapbooking, but there simply is no time. I wanted to participate in Servolution with my awesome church (I should spend more time praising God for HPC) I'm home with sick children, again.

I resent Beau for going to his shoot today. I know he deserves to have his hobby, but that costs me more time. I'm working 4 days a week now, just 1 less than him, i'm do 80% of the shopping, 75% of the cooking, 75% of the cleaning, 75% of the laundry, 75% of the child caring. I should be thankful to have a husband that has a good job, works, and carries 25% of the load at home, who didn't want more children, but loves our babies, who loves God and HPC, but today I'm mad at him. He procrastinates on pretty much everything and it drives me crazy and makes me angry so I say @#$^#$ which is so disrespectful to him, and not living for Jesus....would I say that if Pastor Dino was in my living room? no, but I say right in front of God, like He's not even there.

Parenting is hard! parenting 4 children is really hard! Keeping 2 toddlers alive is very hard! Keeping a teenager in line, happy, healthy, is the hardest. I need to spend more time parenting Cole, the twins will be ok. I've got alot more time with them than I have left with Cole. I need to remember that.

so now I'm going to get off the pity pot, put on some praise music, and care for my home! I will be in a good mood when Beau, Cole, and Quinn get home, and when the twins get up from their nap (Thank you God for napping twins!)